1. You take sole responsibility for your decisions. I push myself because I like the challenge. I clean the kitchen because I want it neater or because I don’t want anyone to have to worry about it. This sidesteps any of those thoughts that someone else is “making me” or expecting me to do something. This is about me running my life, doing what I consider important. It’s Nietzsche’s Ubermensch who creates his own values, who doesn’t succumb to herd mentality, who avoids going on auto-pilot.
2. You separate your wants from shoulds. The herd mentality and auto-pilot are usually tied to the shoulds. These come from our heads, our superego, the parent voice in our heads. Shoulds are by definition expectations imposed by others. When we fail to do them we feel guilty. When we do follow them we often feel driven...and expect a payoff for our efforts: Since I am doing what I really don’t want to do, I do expect others to appreciate, notice, give me a reward, pat me on the head, do what I expect. When the expected payoff doesn't come, our disappointment and resentment are fueled.
The way out of this mental dance is focusing on wants – heart, gut-based rather than head based. Values, core beliefs, foundation of our integrity. Expectations are a red flag that shoulds are the probable drivers. Skip the expectations and you’re falling back on wants. There’s you…and you.
3. You avoid feeling… disappointed, angry, etc…. Nuf said.
4. You avoid becoming a martyr. All this disappointment and resentment can overtime congeal into martyrdom, that lethal combination of domineering shoulds and unfulfilled expectations that drag on: I do everything I should. I expect people to …appreciate, reward, etc….it doesn’t happen. I trudge on and on and on.
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